“I was not nervous in the slightest”

It’s been almost five months since my surgery, it feels like time has gone so fast. One minute I’m waiting for the biggest event of my life and then suddenly, it’s over and done with. Luckily, I still remember everything as if it happened yesterday.

It all began on an early Tuesday morning. We were up and dressed by 7am and my parents and Rosie-Star (Harry was still asleep of course) came and drove us in. By the way; I was fasting for the operation so I didn’t get to have anything to eat or drink that morning except for a sip of water. This only bothered me for one main reason; I couldn’t have my morning cup of tea. We get there just after 8am so we had half an hour before I was due to go In. I was told that I would be the first one in the theatre that day. So, with no time to waste we caught the lift, up to the second or third floor (can’t remember that part) where the surgical clinics are. I was very surprised to see the entire waiting room was pack with families and their children. Mostly babies who were already in hysterics. Yeah that wasn’t too pleasant to start the day with, particularly because of the headache that was already beginning to surface due to lack of tea. But was I nervous? Not at all. In fact, every day leading up to this one, I was not nervous in the slightest. The only thing I ever felt was extremely excited and impatient. I remember in the waiting room Rosie saw a friend from her school campus (my old one). I also think I recognised someone who was from my current campus but I didn’t really stop to chat. When we took a seat (I think there was only one seat for mum and everyone else just stood near me) we weren’t there for very long. A nurse came through the double doors in front of us, “Claudia, we’re ready for you”.

The four of us followed her through the doors and down a few plain white corridors before we stopped at a broom cupboard where the nurse told us (me and mum) to leave our luggage. We then proceeded into a tiny room that only just fit the four of us where she asked a few routine questions: Date of birth, allergies, last time I ate or drank etc. She then put two different ID bands. One was just my white name tag which I’ve always gotten in the past, but the other was a band that identified my newly diagnosed allergy to certain anaesthetics. Basically, unlike all my previous operations I was no longer able to use the gas to put me to sleep. Instead I would have to have it injected. If anything, that was the one thing I was most terrified of but even that hadn’t concerned me too much…. Yet. Finally, the nurse applied angel cream to the backs of both my hands by putting this tight tape over the top of the blobs. Again, I’ve had this done before but it was the most unpleasant feeling. Its purpose is to numb the surface of the backs of my hands so that they can put an IV drip in my hand. The problem I have is the tape is really tight on my skin and so it pulls on every individual hair on the back of my hand when I move it. As it starts to kick in, the cream makes my hand go so tingly and numb that I feel like my hands have become too week to move at all.

After all that we left the room and before we were assigned to a bed, mum helped me change into my pyjamas (well my pants anyway). I had to wear one of those white surgery smocks. 

We were then given a bed in the recovery area. There were lots of people already in beds all around me. Everyone seemed to be preparing for their operations too because I could hear doctors, nurses, surgeons and anaesthetists acquainting themselves with patients. At first, I didn’t want to get into the bed just yet. I just sat there quietly as reality started to sink in. I don’t think I said much. Mum explained that Rosie and dad didn’t want to leave us alone. Rosie even wanted to stay till after the surgery with mum and make sure she was okay. Luckily mum explained that it was better that she just focused on worrying about me for that day and it would work out better that way.

The more we waited for the first person to come and meet with us, the more dizzy I began to feel. I believe it had something to do with all the rushing and anticipation that seemed to come to an abrupt halt and we were literally just waiting in silence. All I could hear were the different voices, crying babies and scattered footsteps, behind the closed curtains that separated my bed space from the rest of the ward. I think at some point mum reached for my hand and just told me that everything was going to be okay, but I really don’t remember much. I finally got into the bed and almost immediately began to feel extremely hot under the covers. I finally decided that I needed to distract myself so I sat on my phone and took some pre-op selfies. I then checked my Facebook account and text messages. So many of my friends and family were already sending their love and wishing me good luck. That made me feel pretty good. Even if it was only till the doctors began appearing. I met with my Maxillofacial surgeons and anaesthetists. I can’t remember who was who exactly. The only people I can remember are Dr Kevin and… yeah Dr Kevin. Perhaps it was because he’s the rare kind of doctor that is quite good looking- I mean quite nice. He’s also got a thick Canadian accent. But like I said, it all happened so fast and in those last moments everything seems like a blur. The more we went over details, the more sweat I felt building up with the increase of anticipation. It became more and more clear that this was happening. This was happening right now. It felt surreal.

Finally, it was time to be wheeled into the operating theatre. I was laying there with the back of the bed propped up so I could kind of see the end of my bed if I had wanted to try. Instead I focused on the white ceiling. It’s hard to really concentrate on the journey from the ward to the theatre when your mind is solely focused on the next thing to happen once you arrive. Plus, when you are looking up, your sense of direction tends to fade on itself. I believe at some point I could barely feel myself moving because the wheels ran so smoothly across the hospital floor. We stopped outside some double doors and the nurse used one of those swipe cards to open them.

The room was very small and full of different equipment. It has been a while but since my last op, but the set up looks way different. The room that we entered was basically an anaesthetic station and behind two more double doors in front of me was the actual theatre. The room felt small because my bed pretty much took up most of it. But I made sure mum stayed by my side as close as possible so that I could see her face right next to me. It was only then that the moment of panic finally began to set in. It was apparent that I feared two things. The first: waking up to see that my mum had disappeared. This has happened before but the reason it scares me is because she is my main advocate. Obviously, she knows me best and so she can communicate on my behalf, hence I feel safer from anyone who tries to take advantage of me or makes incorrect assumptions. The second thing is this whole anaesthetic situation. I’ve watched too many American dramas (according to my mum) and so I have this fear of not waking up from the anaesthetic. This is also due to my latest diagnosis that has informed me that if I take the wrong anaesthetic, I could suffer from malignant hyperthermia which is basically a fatal reaction that causes all the muscles in the body to contract and cause the body to overheat. I know it’s because of this diagnosis that they were able to change the anaesthetic in time, but it still scares me profoundly. Tears began to prickle and form in my eyes as the anaesthetists began to poke around the veins in my hand to get the needle in. They weren’t able to get one on the first try. In fact, even though they had only numbed the backs of my hands, they ended up using my arm just below my wrist. (so much for the angel cream). Mum had to hold my arm down to let them do it. I told mum that I was scared of not waking up and she kept her face close to mine telling me she wouldn’t let them go ahead if she didn’t trust them to keep me alive. She reminded me that this hospital has some of the best doctors and surgeons in the country. I knew she was right.

I don’t think I could begin to explain just how much I wanted this surgery, but that is why I was able to stay so determined and positive right till’ the last minute. I knew we would not be finished once I woke up, but it would be the start of a new life. So, what is this that I so desperately longed for? Well you may be surprised to learn that my dream is not a common one. Not something all teenagers would even have to consider. It is literally something people will take for granted (without meaning to) every single day. And that is; the ability to put your lips together. To speak so that all people can understand you. To put your teeth together and bite into food properly. To kiss the ones, you love and to smile for the world to see. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Those are the things I wish for more than anything else in the world.

I don’t remember anything after that needle going in. I just know I fell asleep.

Pre-Op Selfie!

Have a lovely day xx